Allowing teenagers to make their own choices
Since my daughter just had her 13th birthday a few days ago, it has started me thinking. The teenage years are now here! Wouldn't it be nice if our teenagers listened to all our experience and suggestions? We could save them a lot of mistakes and heartache and learning things the hard way. I think in the long run they just have to learn from life's experiences and we have to be strong enough to let that happen. Allowing teenagers to make their own choices is part of being a parent - a hard part - but a part nonetheless.
Letting our teenagers learn the hard way is one of the hardest thing a parent faces. But, our children learn from their mistakes. So, without making mistakes how are they to learn? Good decisions, bad decisions and consequences are all a part of growing up to be responsible adults. As parents, I think the best thing we can do is hold them accountable for their decisions and actions. We may try to guide them in the right direction, but we must let go and allow them the decision, whether right or wrong - within reason and safety of course. The more decisions they are allowed to make on their own will help them become better decision makers as adults.
We can help by starting early in life when decisions and choices are small. We can guide them in the right direction. Giving young children choices between two things gives them a sense of control. As they get older, allow them to make more choices and give them more freedom. This will allow them to feel more in control of their own life. Teenagers are at that stage of just leaving childhood and barreling into adulthood. They need to feel a sense of control over their own lives.
When they are faced with a tough decision you can help them by being available to talk. Don't insist on answering or telling them what to do. Just be a sounding board for them and allow them to weigh the choices and make the final decision. Sometimes their final decision may be the wrong choice and you may know that already. It's hard as a parent to let it happen. But, this is a stepping stone for them to learn a valuable lesson. Let them know they can come to you and talk about it. It's one of those times that perhaps they have learned a lesson and they need to know they can talk to you without being criticized. As a parent, it may be hard to watch this happen. Just be there and have a good listening ear.
Giving our children freedom to make decisions and holding them accountable if it turns out it was a mistake is one of the hardest jobs of being a parent. We have all been there. We may know, from our own experience, the result of whatever their choice is and what it will bring. But, we have to let go and allow them to make their own decision. If you remember, we were all teenagers once. We were looking to make our place in the world. We wanted to make choices for ourselves and felt a little suffocated if we weren't allowed to. Just know that starting early and giving them early family values, they will make it through just like we did. You may also find that you are closer to your teenager because of it!
I have a 16 year old son that I allow to make his own choices.
I figure if he is old enough to talk back and give attitude then he is old enough to make his own choices.
I will be there for him when he finally realizes he needs me lol.
This was always and still is a real hard thing for me to do with my children. You hate to see them make a mistake but that is how we learn. They need to have a little more freedom to make choices as they grow. We just need to be there to help them pick up the pieces if something goes wrong. Thank you for sharing
We must guide and help our teens in the right directions. They are going to make mistakes as we did. We can be their for them though their ups and downs.They need to know how to make decissions to make them stronger in life.
I agree, we encouraged our daughter to make her own decisions, that is how she really learned what life is all about. We engaged her in activities so she would meet friends and participate in different aspects of sports, school, church and other activites. She has made us so proud with a great job and gave us the most beautiful granddaughter. So happy that she was happy with the way she was raised, she is raising her daughter the same. There is always something new around every corner. Just need to know which corner to go around..
We're on raising our 4th teenager. We're still learning! And yes, giving them the choice to make some of their decisions can prepare them later in life.
I think it's a great thing to let kids make some of their own choices and live and learn from their mistakes. I think when you let kids do that, they'll be able to talk to you about problems in their life much easier than trying to get them to conform and then they just rebel.
I think its a wonderful idea to let children make up their own minds about certain things & we as parents are there to GUIDE them, that's what a parent does when allowing children to do things & learn things while growing into their own personality.
This is great advice for raising a teen. My son just turned 14 last month and so far he is doing pretty good at being a teenager. Yesterday I got a call from his principal about him being disruptive in his school assembly and last night we talked about it. He was disrupting the Pledge of Allegiance and I reminded him that the Pledge shows respect to our country and to the people that sacrificed to make our country what it is. I reminded him that my dad lay in a ditch for 3 days after being shot and blown up in the Battle of the Bulge in WWII and 2 of his brothers were killed after being shot down and they gave for our country so that he would be able to say the Pledge of Allegiance today.Hopefully I got through to him, he seemed to be somewhat shook up by what I said, but My dad was almost killed many years before I was born defending our country.
Mine are 10 and 11 so I'm getting close. It will be hard, but I have to always remember that they are really great kids and hopefully we've laid a good foundation for them to make good choices.
When my son was a teenager, I did try to step back and let him make a few choices, knowing that there would be consequences. I will say, he survived, probably better than I, it was very hard. My son is about to turn 22 and he does ask my for advice, more than he did when he was younger. He did learn that having extra advice, helps in making those choices 🙂
It's always hard to know how much leash to give them. Not enough, they may sneak around. Too much, they may not be mature enough to handle some situations.
I agree but its so hard watching them grow up. I have 2 boys ages 29 and 17. I still have a hard time letting go.
I agree with your thoughts - we all need to learn to make choices and I think teenagers are able to do that as long as they have guidance from their parents.
Great article! It is hard to watch our children make mistakes, but it helps them to learn and grow.
I think that your approach can be completely great for a lot of teenagers and this should be followed by most parents. However each child is unique and responds to different parenting methods. What is right for one child may not be right for another. An open communication is a great way to start ultimately though.
It is really hard to watch your children make the wrong choices no matter how old they are. You hate to see them have to suffer the consequences but you are right, that is the way they learn. It is best for them in the long run. All we can do is try to guide them in the right direction. Start out by giving a little responsibility and gradually increase it.
I agree, kids need to have their own mind and trust that they know right from wrong and will make the right decisions.
thanks for sharing -teenagers need to make some decissions--ony for school -unless they are good kids.
I hope my grandchildren have a better teenage years.
I raised my daughter by myself with the help of my mom. I always told my daughter she could ask me anything and talk to me about anything. I let her make decisions with my guidance when she was younger at the age of about 12. She has always been very mature for her age. She graduated high school at 16. She helped me make the decision to do independent study. She was able to get done 4 yrs of high school in 2 yrs and graduated with honors. That was a big decision but I'm glad she helped me make it because it paid off. She started western career college at 17 and graduated at 18. I still helped her with the decision to start college at 17. She actually wanted to work at 14 for a daycare center which we discussed together. I like that she sometimes would ask me to help her as she got older. Now she's a mom and will have the good close relationship that she and I had. Teens do have their moments of stubborness and don't always grow out of it. Lol!
I'M GOING THROUGH IT WITH MY TEENS I HAD ONE COME HOME PREGNANT At age 15. SHE HAD EVERYTHING BIRTHDAYPARTS,FRIENDS OVER ALL THE TIME,GOT TO GO PLACES ALL THE TIME THEN I FIND OUT SHE SMOKES & CAME HOME PREGNANT & NOW I HAVE ANOTHER 15 year OLD GIRL I WANT TO KEEP LOCKED UP BUT I CANT IT"S HARD TO RAISE KIDS SHE GETS THE SAME AS HER SISTER DID NEVER WANTS FOR NOTHING BUT I"M STILL SCARED OF LETTING GO THEN I HAVE A SON WHO IS SIX MONTHS AWAY FROM 18 LETTING GO IS HARD TO DO I STILL GET IN TO MY OLDEST ASS FOE THINGS & PEOPLE TELL ME I"M WRONG CAUSE SSE IS GROWN NOW MOTHER HOOD IS HARD EVEN WHEN THEY DON"T LIVE WITH YOU & HAVE KIDS OF THEIR OWN
This is exactly what we do with our kids, we always let them make their own choice but hold them accountable. Like this past Friday there was a incident on my daughters school bus and it involved her. We gave her the opportunity to tell us her side but she had a attitude when telling us, needles to say this has been a boring weekend for her. I still give her the benifit of the doubt and hope she learned from this.
I allow my teenagers to make their own and it works. They learn early fron their mistakes and come to me for advice now.
I learned that I can be their friend and still be their parent by letting them make their own mistakes and helping them find out how to repair their problems in a way they felt comfortable doing. I am still best friends with my two children who have become impressive and responsible adults. 🙂
It's a scary thing knowing that my nieces are reaching their teenage years too. It's even scarier knowing they are making their own choices. The world is a scarier place!
I have a grand daughter that will be 13 in a couple of months. She is very much her own self and doesn't seek approval of anyone! I love this about her and so far she is making decision that are smart and independent and I so hope she stays this way!
I beleive that this is a great way to parent. Letting your children make decisions and learn with guidance is great.
I think being a teen is hard. Also, I have a teen. I let her make her own choices but I also lead her in the very best direction, and hoping she doesn't realize what I'm doing. I give her a little non-physical push by a little reverse psychology. Depending on the subject. If it is about Stranger Danger, I'm a BIG-no. I am very protective but I want my kids to learn to be independent.
I think it's a great idea to start off with small things and slowly work your way up to more important decisions. Hopefully in the end your teenager will be able to make good choices.
I had four children: they're grown now. As teenagers I let me make their own decisions. I had a good relationship with each of them and they willing discussed things with me. I guess I did OK. One is a manufacturing engineer, another is a plant manager, two are police officers.
Yah know I have two teenagers, and they could't be any more diff fro one another. One I can trust to make his own decisions, the other I CA NOT!!
I have 2 daughters (15 and 20) and you have to teach them right, spend time with them, and be open! I have heard many surprising things from my girls, but that just opens a way to have a conversation about the topic. Dont be judgmental or they will not open up to you. Remember, if you set restriction and linit their freedom, they WILL rebel and that never ends good!
I have been letting my son who is 14 now in High school make some choices but I talk the choices out with him so he can weigh out the pro's and Con's of each.
I think this is a great point! My 2 brothers and I were raised by my dad, and he always allowed us to make our own decisions. I have so much respect for him because of it, and it allowed me to accept the consequences of my actions and even better...learn from them!
Sometimes for me since I have a 16 year old boy, it is extremely hard for me to allow him to make his own choices. But, I also feel like he needs to make them because he needs to learn how to be responsible. He wants to go to the military and I told him Navy is my choice. We talked about it and he agrees with me. So Navy it is.
My son is 15 and in the 10th grade. We have guided him through out the years to make the right choices, never follow the crowd and stand up to bullying. He is such a caring, compassionate young man and we couldn't be prouder!
THank you for this article.
This is the hardest thing as a Mom you have to do. You spend all that time thinking and making chooses and it is hard to give up that control. I unfortunately did not start early enough and we both paid for it emotionally. I still struggle to this day! I can remember when my first one was a baby people saying enjoy these years they are the easiest and me thinking as I clean up pee off the floor or food. Whatever! They were all right!!!!!!!!!!
Yes they should be able to make their own choices but I have the final say.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Raising teenagers can be really tough at times.
I just hope my kids have a easier time as a teenager then I did. I hope I can be a good enough mom to help them through any problems they have.
all i know is im teaching my son to be responsible and respect others and i teach him right from wrong he is only 11i hope when he is s teen he makes the right choices
I have been letting both of my sons make there own choices all along.I think even if you are right there with them,you can still let them make their own choices and if it is questionable ,you should share why you think it may be wrong and let them know your opinion.
I think this is the hardest time for all of us the parents and the children. Those hormones are kicking in and they want to assert their independence. This is wonderful if they are making the right decisions. All of us make mistakes and I think today it is so hard with the media saying one thing and morals saying another. There is no absolutes in our society today which is sad. Everything is ok for someone. It truly is a difficult time. I could write a book.
I really enjoyed reading this post and thanks for sharing with us, as always there are boundaries that everyone must face, I think its important for teenagers to learn to make good decisions, and I know when my children where growing up I would sit and talk with them but truly it was on them .... thanks for share
It's so difficult to begin giving up your making decisions for your children but there comes a time when it needs to be done.
Learning how to give teenagers confidence in their decisions is very important. I starting asking my son what he thinks are the pros and cons of decisions when he was much younger, so that he would have a blueprint for how to weigh his choices. I love!!! that you are open and discussing these valuable life lessons on your blog....
in totally agree with the article as to kids should be allowed to make their own choices. this is the age they get to learn a lot of things and experience a lot of emotions. we should let them be themselves so that they learn from their own mistakes and move ahead in life.
good thoughts!
Being the Mom of a tweenie I thank you for your article and it is so true we have to let them make their own mistakes and be accountable, let them grow into themselves while giving guidance and support.
I enjoyed your post. We have teenage daughters. We have tried to let them make their own choices. It is hard to have the stand by while they make decisions. We have guided them and keot the lines of communication open. We encourage them to consider the pros and cons of each choice and the results that may come from the choices. I agree with several other comments above, it does open the door to hopefully making the right choices, building character and responsibility. Naturally, guide and assist as needed. Welcome to the Teenage years and happy birthday to your young lady!
thanks for your feedback and good wishes shanna, good luck to all of us 🙂
I definitely agree that with letting them make their own choice. As a mother of a 18 & 15 old daughters I found that 99% of the time they did make the right choices on their own without having to be told what to do.
Its goos to give them the room to make their own safe desicions.
My BEST FRIEND TOLD ME TO LET GROW INTO THERE OWN PERSON ALL YOU CAN DO IS GUIDE THEM NO MATTER WHAT PATH THEY TAKE SO REMEMBER LET GO & LET GOD BELIEVE IN YOUR CHILDREN & THEY WILL BELIEVE IN YOU
I myself think giving children freedom to make decisions is one of the toughest jobs of being a parent. I really give my grandchildren PRAISE for acting and thinking like a responsible adults in some tough decisions they made.
its goos to give them the leway to make their own desicions.
Helps teach them responsibility!
Freedom to make decisions is very important for our children as they grow it does not stop when they turn into young adults it continues like us parents making decisions and learning right from wrong and good versus bad decisions, hindsight is great for learning, but we cannot govern what our children, grandchildren do,k but they learn from the mistakes and hopefully you have guided them enough through out life to make informed decisions and not spur of the moment ones.
I think that giving teenagers the ability to make their own decisions earlier than before is a bit easier. The teens today are more mature than ever, in more ways than one. I am not an expert, but I feel more comfortable at trusting my children in making decisions based on their ability to be open and honest about their situations, as well as realistic about the outcome of the decision (whether positive or negative).